Bewildered parents and adolescents get help for their first talk about sex. Topics covered include physical changes like body hair, acne, periods, hormonal changes, and growth spurts. Also covered are ways to re-assure kids from an emotional standpoint.
01:00:00 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Program contains content which is sexual in nature. It is not intended that any viewer rely on the content of the program for medical advice. If you believe you require medical or psychological advice or treatment, please consult your doctor.
01:00:08 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:00:10 Dr. Laura Berman OC
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman
Breasts, periods, mood swings, raging hormones.
01:00:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Boys, nosy parents, boys, secrecy and boys.
01:00:20 Dr. Laura Berman OC
You went through it, but now it’s your daughter’s turn. Are you sure you’re ready?
01:00:23 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
The new rules for puberty and adolescence.
01:00:27 Dr. Laura Berman OC
We’re Berman and Berman.
01:00:29 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And this is For Women Only.
01:00:32 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman Berman Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:0:48 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
Hello and welcome. We have an audience full of mommies and their daughters to discuss with us what happens during puberty and adolescence.
01:00:57 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
I remember that time for both of us, actually.
01:01:00 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Yeah.
01:01:01 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And did I have raging hormones?
01:01:03 Dr. Laura Berman OC
You? you were pretty raging. I think I was, when I went through puberty, you had? you?
01:01:09 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
I was already off at college.
01:01:09 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
You were already off at college around the time that I was starting, so you missed?
01:01:13 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
But you experienced all my?
01:01:14 Dr. Laura Berman VO
I experienced all your mood swings.
01:01:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Mood swings, breast development.
01:01:17 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
Your breast development was a big event in our family. I remember this. I’m Laura Berman.
01:01:22 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And I’m Jennifer Berman?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Drs. Jennifer & Laura Berman
We run the Female Sexual Medicine Center at UCLA here in Los Angeles. I’m a urologist and Laura’s a sex therapist.
01:01:30 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Do you remember what it was like to go through puberty with all the changes your body goes through?
01:01:34 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Especially getting breasts, which then I decreased and then increased and then lifted, so a lot about breasts.
01:01:43 Dr. Laura Berman OC
And she’s still obsessed with them.
01:01:44 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
I am. We asked some of you to think back on that time and here’s what we heard.
01:01:49 Female Voice VO
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman
When did you first notice?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
you were developing breasts?
you were developing breasts?
01:01:53 Female with Blond Hair OC
When I was? all my friends were developing boobs before me and then I way out-passed them later on.
01:01:59 Female with Red Hair OC
When I was walking to school and it was a windy day and I noticed that I had to do like this with my shirt, because I didn’t want anything to show.
01:02:09 Female with White Turtleneck OC
There was a song out when I was coming up by The Commodores called Brickhouse. So I had several of my friends who were very well endowed and I was not. So they would just, you know “Brickhouse,” sing the song and everything. And I was with boys, I’d say, “Okay, so what am I? What am I?” And one guy looks at me and he says, “Well, you’re a brick wall.”
01:02:27 Female with Blue Shirt OC
I was just wondering what was taking so long.
01:02:30 Female with Red Shirt OC
Well, you did good.
01:02:37 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Ouch.
01:02:40 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
That was cute. I remember that obsession with breasts, who had big ones, who had little ones.
01:02:43 Dr. Laura Berman OC
And bee bites, everybody starts off with the little bee bites. And we? and we actually, with all the physical and emotional changes that your body is going through, puberty can be an awkward and painful time of life.
01:02:55 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
But sometimes, just knowing what to expect can make it a little easier. Our first guest can help. She’s an OB-GYN who has a private practice here in Los Angeles, Dr. Lisa Masterson. Hi.
01:03:05 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC
Hi.
01:03:07 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
So do you remember what it was like going through puberty yourself?
01:03:09 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Oh, yes. It can be a really up and down time. Puberty is that changing time where a girl’s body is?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Dr. Lisa Masterson Obstetrics &
Gynecology
changing into a woman’s body. And the hormones trigger the organs, the sex organs to develop so that her body? so she can have a period so that her body will one day be able to have a baby.
01:03:26 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
So it’s when the breasts start to develop. She starts to develop pubic hairs. She starts to ovulate.
01:03:31 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC
Exactly.
01:03:31 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And the hormones. And what age does puberty happen?
01:03:35 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
An average age of around nine to 16. So there’s a whole span, you know, of time where that can happen, and everybody goes at their own rate and there’s not a right time and there’s not a wrong time for somebody.
01:03:45 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
How can you help them work with their bodies?
01:03:48 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
By letting them know what’s gonna happen. I mean, because it just seems you don’t want them to be hit from left field by breasts coming out and periods coming on, there’s hair coming down there and under your arms. You’re starting to smell, get acne. You want to let them know that that’s gonna happen to them. So the more that parents can talk to their girls about you know what’s going to be happening they can share their experience?
01:04:06 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
What to expect.
01:04:07 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC
Exactly.
01:04:07 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
And ideally talk about it way before it starts happening.
01:04:09 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Right. If it starts at nine that means you need to start backing it up. Yeah.
01:04:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Does anybody here remember any awkward stories from puberty? What’s your name?
01:04:20 Cathryn OC
Cathryn.
01:04:20 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Cathryn, what do you remember?
01:04:21 Cathryn OC
I was the first one of all of my friends to start developing breasts. And it was so uncomfortable and it was really embarrassing, but the worst part was that my mom didn’t want to deal with it and she made me wear an undershirt?
01:04:34 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Oh, no.
01:04:35 Cathryn OC
And she wouldn’t take me out shopping for a bra. That was?
01:04:36 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Because she made you feel embarrassed about it.
01:04:39 Cathryn VO
She did. She made me feel almost ashamed about it.
01:04:41 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Our mother took me out to get a? I so desperately wanted a training bra. I mean you were already wearing a bra. I wanted? a lot of my friends were wearing bras, I wanted a bra so badly. I so didn’t need one. But she took me out, she took me out to get a training bra just so I’d wear it around like an underwear, you know an undershirt.
01:04:58 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Yeah. And that’s a nice thing, to go and get a nice bra and say, “This is a happy thing.” A lot of parents when their girls get their first period, they’ll buy them like a pretty ring or something like that, or you know something to really make them feel good about the experiences because you are going through a positive thing. You are becoming a woman and entering into something that’s really exciting.
01:05:15 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And you have a unique way of teaching girls about their bodies that could probably help moms. Can you tell us about that?
01:05:21 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Oh, right, and it really helps moms a lot, because you know that word vagina, sometimes not pretty and that type of thing to talk about. So I tell every woman that she has a diamond. She doesn’t have to wait for somebody to give it to her. She has a diamond between her legs. I call it the diva diamond. And basically, a lot of girls?
01:05:37 Dr. Laura Berman VO
So we’re all divas.
01:05:38 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
That’s right. And that’s what you want to remember during this hard time, is that you know it’s not a V, the V is only the part you see from here down, but it’s actually a diamond. Okay, if you look at it like that. A diamond. And a lot of girls don’t realize that the vagina’s in the middle, okay, and then up above that is the urethra where you urinate, and then the clitoris up above that. And then down below it is the anus or the rectum. A lot of girls will ask, “Well, what happens when I put a tampon in? Will I be able to urinate? Will I be able to pee-pee?” Well, yeah, because the urethra is above that. It’s its own separate opening, so just showing them physically where the blood comes from, everything around it to say, “This is what’s down there and you’re gonna have a lot of change in this area,” because a lot of girls will ask about discharge, you know and the secretions.
01:05:23 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Es? the estrogen levels start to increase, there will be some discharge or drainage, white looking mucous that comes from the vagina.
01:06:30 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
And do you talk to girls about the clitoris in more than just this is the clitoris or do you?
01:06:35 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Well, in saying that you know this is a very sensitive area. You can get a lot of pleasurable stimulation from this area. As you get more through puberty, a lot of times it starts to get larger and more sensitive. You know a lot of people will ask about this area as far as you know sexuality and masturbation and things like that. So it’s an important thing to bring up.
01:06:56 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Right.
01:06:57 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO
It definitely is.
01:06:58 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Okay. Now?
01:06:59 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Behind the diamond. What’s behind the diamond?
01:07:01 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO
Behind that diamond you have the vaginal area, the whole?
01:07:04 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Your vagina, which is really a hollow tube, is your vagina.
01:07:08 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Tube, right, and it leads to the cervix. All right. And that’s the opening into the uterus, the womb, where the baby would be id you were having a baby or where the menstrual fluid or the period blood and the lining of the uterus comes out. This is attached with tubes called fallopian tubes to the ovaries. And the ovaries have the cyst or the follicles where the egg comes out and is released every month. And if it’s not fertilized by a sperm, then it just comes out and it’s shed every month with the period, and that’s what a period is.
01:07:39 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
What do you think the right age for a mother to take a girl? her daughter to the gynecologist, or her father to take her to the gynecologist would be?
01:07:46 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Between the age of 13 and 15.
01:07:48 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Even if they’re not sexually active?
01:07:50 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
That’s correct. And a lot of people will say, “Well, I don’t want them to have an exam.” If they don’t need an exam that’s not what we’re there for. We’re also there to help them with questions that they may not feel comfortable asking their parents. They may want to keep a parent-daughter relationship and may be embarrassed about that and you want them to get the correct information.
01:08:08 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Well, would you do a speculum exam on somebody that was not sexually active?
01:08:11 Dr. Laura Berman OC
That’s an internal exam.
01:08:13 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Not if they weren’t having any problems, saying they were having bleeding problems or severe cramps or anything like that. A lot of girls wonder if they’re normal, you know and are afraid to ask somebody. And then that way we can also?
01:08:23 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
So you’re a source of information. How many of the moms here would? what do you guys think about taking your daughters to the gynecologist? What’s?
01:08:31 Female with Brown Necklace VO/OC
I’m 52 years old and already I’m a great-grandmother. I was pregnant myself and had a baby at 16. My daughter was 17. Then my grand-baby, 16.
01:08:42 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
And this?
01:08:42 Female with Brown Necklace OC
And this is my grand-baby, also, so that’s why I’m here. Because you know I feel comfortable taking them. My mother felt comfortable taking me, but each time they took us, we were already pregnant, so.
01:08:53 Dr. Laura Berman OC
So the time to go is before.
01:08:55 Female with Brown Necklace VO
Yeah.
01:08:55 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Right. And that’s why the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology is saying 13 to 15, so that we can be a source of information.
01:09:02 Dr. Laura Berman VO
What should your daughter expect on that? What should you tell her about what to expect?
01:09:07 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC
That confidentiality is key. That she’s able to be able to tell that physician everything and know that we’re not gonna go back and tell the parents. Also, that we are gonna give them the correct information about their body, about sexuality as well as sex. We actually, my practice, we have a confidentiality agreement?
01:09:25 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Yeah.
01:09:25 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC
so when my teens come in, the parent actually signs that and they realize, unless there’s immediate harm to their daughter or to somebody else, that information stays in the office.
01:09:36 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
I remember something like that, because I remember going to the gynecologist?
01:09:38 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Mortified.
01:09:39 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
with mom and she would sit in there while the doctor took my history and I was just be wishing she wasn’t being there, because he would be asking me questions that I didn’t want to? you know once we were in the exam room I’d tell him the real answers.
01:09:47 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC
Right.
01:09:48 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
But in front of her? anyway, but you’re staying with us, Dr. Masterson, so don’t go away. Our topic, puberty and adolescence.
01:09:56 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
When we come back, Dr. Masterson delves even further into the changing body of an adolescent.
01:10:08 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
4 out of 10 young women become pregnant at least once before the age of 20. – the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy Berman & Berman
01:10:15 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:10:16 FADE TO BLACK
01:10:47 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:10:51 Female Voice VO
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman
Do you remember anything about?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
About getting your first training bra?
Getting your first training bra?
01:10:55 Female with Red Shirt OC
First training bra had a little flower right here?
01:10:58 Female with Blue Shirt OC
Which I still have.
01:11:01 Female with Red Shirt OC
Is yours pink?
01:11:04 Female with Blue Shirt OC
Yes, it is. It’s pink.
01:11:07 Female with Red Hair OC
There was really no training. I mean what do you have to train?
01:11:10 Female with Sleeveless Blouse OC
I was one of the last ones to wear one.
01:11:13 Female Voice VO
Oh.
01:11:14 Female with Glasses OC
I didn’t have one. I woke up one morning and they were just there, C cups, and I remember I had to go get two bathing suits, because it was like one day, I was no bathing suit. I was like one day bathing suit diving practice girl, you know bounce up and down. The next day I bounce and it’s like bam, and we had to go get two bathing suits so I could actually like go to diving practice.
01:11:36 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Two bathing suits.
01:11:38 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And the training bra. You remember that.
01:11:39 Dr. Laura Berman OC
And the training bras, yes. We all remember training bras.
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Drs. Jennifer & Laura Berman
We’re back and focusing on puberty and adolescence with our audience of mothers and daughters.
01:11:46 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
And Dr. Lisa Masterson is explaining what physical changes young girls can expect during puberty. Is it true that girls are developing breasts and sexual anatomy earlier than before?
01:11:58 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Going through puberty.
01:11:59 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Yeah. No, actually they’ve done a lot of studies to show that girls are starting?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Dr. Lisa Masterson Obstetrics &
Gynecology
Puberty earlier. Periods are actually starting about the same time, interestingly. But, and the other interesting fact is that black girls actually start puberty earlier than white girls. Now this may be a socio-economic thing and not just a nutrition and a weight issue, is what we feel right now and is why we think girls are actually starting earlier. They’ve shown in urban areas versus rural areas that girls that don’t get as much exercise and things like that, because they have more fat to body ratio, they’re starting their periods earlier.
01:12:32 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
What about the pubic hair and breast development, what age?
01:12:35 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Breast development is usually about two years before the period and it usually starts at about ten for white girls and about eight or black girls. Black girls are usually about two years ahead.
01:12:46 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
And breasts are, you know, seem to be sort of the outward symbol to the rest of the world that you’re going through puberty, and so for a girl whose breasts aren’t developing, you know, what do you tell her? Should she be worried?
01:12:59 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Everybody goes at different rates, you know, and it’s sort of like girls worry about breast size like boys worry about penis size. And you know if you have small breasts then you’re wanting big breasts. If you have big breasts, like then you want smaller breasts. And the thing is that to really? unless you have a real problem with them, to really try and find what’s good about your breasts. So you know, and really? because everybody’s different, you know. You can look at your mom and see what she’s gonna have, but it can be very traumatic. And if you’re an early bloomer, you’ve seen those girls with their books in front of? you know in front of their chest. And you really have to go to those girls and kind of say “Look, you’re a beautiful person.”
01:13:33 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
What about body hair and pubic hair?
01:13:35 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Body hair, about the same time, eight to ten? eight years for a black girl’s, ten? ten years old for a white girl’s. And that’s, body hair is from pubic hair to underarm hair to leg hair to actually girls will get hair on their upper lips. And you know the parents, you know if they notice that or if it’s an issue for the girl, should talk to her parents. You know we have a great society for you know figuring out how to waxing and shaving.
01:13:55 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Yeah. Well, you know it really is amazing how little girls, and I remember for myself, will stare at and analyze each other’s bodies. Teasing one way or the other definitely goes on.
01:14:04 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Getting your period is a huge part of puberty.
01:14:07 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And we asked some preteen girls, with their moms’ permission, how they felt about that time of the month.
01;14:14 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
That time of the month
01:14:18 Katie OC
I hate getting my period.
01:14:19 Girl with Black Shirt OC
I do, too.
01:14:19 Katie OC
It’s the most horrible experience ever.
01:14:22 Girl with Black Shirt OC
And it’s a drag like going to school and you know you’re having it?
01:14:25 Katie OC
Yeah.
01:14:25 Girl with Black Shirt OC
And just?
01:14:27 Katie OC
You wouldn’t know what we were talking about.
01:14:28 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
I don’t have my period.
01:14:30 Katie OC/VO
It sucks. Cramps are the worst. I remember the first time I got mine I was shocked. I was like, “Oh, God. Here it is.”
01:14:37 Girl with Black Shirt VO/OC
I didn’t want it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want it.
01:14:39 Katie VO
I didn’t, either. It’s not fair when people don’t have theirs.
01:14:44 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Teen talk
01:14:50 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
So we have it’s not fair to people when you don’t have it, you’re wanting it. And then when you’re wanting it, you’re not having it. We have some of these girls in our audience with us. And Katie, what? what? you’re not too thrilled with your period?
01:15:02 Katie VO/OC
I don’t like getting my period. At least once a month, one day at least I’m at home, sick. I can’t move. I can’t go to school. And then when you have to go to school while you’re on it, and you’re like “Oh, God, how many people are gonna know I’m on my period and is my pad showing?” And it’s all just too? it’s too hard. It’s complicated.
01:15:19 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
How old are you, Katie?
01:15:19 Katie VO
I’m 13.
01:15:20 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
Do any of your other friends have it?
01:15:22 Katie OC
Oh, almost all of my friends have it.
01:15:24 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And how did you learn about your period?
01:15:26 Katie VO/OC
My mom told me about it when I was about 11.
01:15:27 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
So you knew what to expect?
01:15:28 Katie OC
Yeah.
01:15:29 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
But why? is it because you have really bad cramps that you have to stay home?
01:15:31 Katie VO/OC
Yeah, I do. I have to get prescription medicine from my doctor to help it, and even that sometimes doesn’t work.
01:15:37 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
What about mood swings? Do you ever feel emotional or more moody around that time?
01:15:41 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Mother’s nodding.
01:15:43 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Yeah, she does?
01:15:45 Katie OC
Yeah, I usually get more on edge and my patience level decreases when I’m around my period time.
01:15:51 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Yeah. Because adolescent girls are so moody so much of the time, as are adolescent boys, it’s hard to sort of distinguish whether it’s just normal adolescence or whether there’s some sort of cyclical PMS thing happening.
01:16:04Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
It means pre-menstrual syndrome.
01:16:06 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
Right. And this can be very devastating for girls. Girls will miss school and things like that, so there’s a lot of good cramp-busters, you want to make sure you’re exercising, you’re taking multivitamins. They’ve shown that calcium can help decrease cramps. Warm heating pads, pampering yourself. A little chocolate goes a long way. And you know, and also knowing when it’s gonna come. If you can mark your period down, a lot of times that helps. Keeping a pad or maybe changing to tampons helps, too.
01:16:32 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
When can women start to use tampons?
01:16:35 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
I always say start with pads, because tampons are a little tricky. Once you got to know that diva diamond anatomy. And there are different sizes and shapes and there’s plastic and cardboard and that can make it easier, but it’s a little trickier. But it does free up girls to participate in sports, which is really, really important in puberty for self-confidence. And swimming?
01:16:55 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Can wear a bathing suit.
01:16:56 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
And it’s also more fashion-friendly, so you don’t have to worry about your pad being seen.
01:16:59 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
And you don’t have to worry about leaking as much, either.
01:17:01 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO
Yeah, exactly.
01:17:02 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
But is there?
01:17:03 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
I showed you how to use a tampon.
01:17:04 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
She literally showed me, sat on the bathroom counter with me and showed me how to do it. But it’s very tricky.
01:17:10 Dr. Lisa Masterson OC/VO
If the hymen isn’t all the way broken, sometimes it can get stuck. And I did have a girl have a problem with that, and we had to fix it.
01:17:16 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Getting it out?
01:17:17 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
Getting it out. So if you have a problem getting it out, what I always tell my girls is that you want to tell somebody if you’re gonna try for the first time or if you don’t have somebody who’s helping you or who’s older, to tell somebody that you’re trying this. You know in case it does get stuck, because that can be really devastating.
01:17:30 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Yeah. The hymen is actually what is referred to in lay terms as the cherry. Was the little thing? the film that gets broken.
01:17:39 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
We have moms in the audience and we wanted to know about how you’ve explained to your daughter. Yvonne, whose mom are you?
01:17:46 Yvonne OC
Jessica’s mom.
01:17:47 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Jessica’s mom. And how did you explain to your?
01:17:49 Yvonne OC/VO
She? I always allowed her to know when I was having a period so it wasn’t such a shock that mom was having this same thing as she was going to have happen to her. And I explained what was happening, so I tried to explain rather than her just seeing this blood and not being shocked.
01:18:04 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Right.
01:18:04 Yvonne OC/VO
She would know exactly what’s happening. That she’s not damaged. It’s a natural thing for her to go through.
01:18:09 Dr. Lisa Masterson VO/OC
That’s a fantastic thing for a parent to do.
01:18:11 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Did your mom tell you about it?
01:18:12 Yvonne VO
Yes, she was very open.
01:18:14 Dr. Laura Berman VO
And what did you do when she came to you and told you that? did she come to you and tell you?
01:18:17 Yvonne OC
Oh, we celebrated.
01:18:21 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
So thank you so much, Dr. Masterson, for being here and sharing your wisdom and helping us to better understand the physical changes during puberty.
01:18:29 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And as any mother of a teen girl knows, there’s more to puberty than just growing breasts. When we come back we’ll tackle the rough road of adolescent behavior.
01:18:45 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Of teens trust their parents as the most reliable and complete source of information about birth control – the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy
Berman & Berman
01:18:54 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:18:55 FADE TO BLACK
01:19:27 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
program contains content which is sexual in nature. It is not intended that any viewer rely on the content of the program for medical advice. If you believe you require medical or psychological advice
or treatment, please consult your doctor.
01:19:34 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:19:36 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman
01:19:42 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Our topic, puberty and adolescence. The road from childhood to maturity is often beyond?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Drs. Jennifer & Laura Berman
Bumpy.
01:19:49 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
And of your sweet little girl is starting to rebel, the journey is just beginning, but it might not be as bad as you think.
01:19:56 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Again, with their moms’ permission, we talked to some teenage girls about what’s really on their minds.
01:20:01 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Privacy
01:20:05 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
My mom, I think she’s just starting to close her doors a little bit, as opposed to opening them, because she knows I’m getting older and she’s not ready to let go of me yet.
01:20:13 Girl’s Voice VO
Yeah.
01:20:13 Girl with Streaked Hair VO/OC
She always, like when I’m going out, I’m like, “Okay, mom, you know tomorrow I’m going over to Alex’s.” “Who else is going?” “I don’t think anyone, you know.”
01:20:21 Girl’s Voice VO
Yeah.
01:20:22 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
And she asks me 20 questions.
01:20:23 Girl’s Voice VO
Yeah.
01:20:24 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
Only it’s not a fun game.
01:20:26 Katie VO/OC
Well, I don’t like when they listen to phone calls.
01:20:28 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
Oh, yeah. I know.
01:20:28 Katie OC
Especially when you go? I have to? sometimes I go and sit in my closet so my mom can’t hear.
01:20:33 Girl with Black Shirt VO/OC
She always has to know who I’m taking to, you know.
01:20:36 Katie VO
Yeah.
01:20:36 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
My mom doesn’t. She just asks. Moms are nosy. That’s just the way it is.
01:20:41 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Sex on TV
01:20:45 Girl with Streaked Hair OC/VO
Parents kind of freak out about like sex on TV, like Sex in the City, my mom doesn’t like me watching it, because she thinks if I watch something like about, like a show about like sex and you know, stuff like that, that I’m gonna think it’s okay. And I’m like “No, mom.” I think parents? I think parents give their kids a lot less credit than they deserve.
01:21:05 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
“It’s for your own good”
01:21:08 Katie VO/OC
The one thing I don’t like, though, is when parents go “It’s for your own good.” It’s like I know it’s for my own good, because you love me and you care about me and everything you do is for my own good.
01:21:15 Girl with Streaked Hair VO
But don’t you want it to be like a decision?
01:21:17 Katie OC
Exactly.
01:21:18 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
What they say makes a difference, but?
01:21:20 Katie VO/OC
At the same time, let us experience it for ourselves.
01:21:21 Girl with Streaked Hair OC/VO
Yeah. Because I mean we’re never gonna be able to make a decision for ourselves if you tell us you know what’s right and what’s not. Although parents are, you know, wiser and smarter because they’ve done it, they’ve been through all of it before, I think? I think it’s a different time, yeah. It’s a different time and kids are growing up differently, you know. There are different things going around. I mean I don’t think parents know even half of the things children do, so how can they really tell us what’s right and wrong if they don’t even know what’s going on?
01:21:26 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Teen talk
01:21:56 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
We can relate to that.
01:21:57 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Yeah.
01:21:58 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Really cute.
01:22:00 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Candid girls.
01:22:02 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
Our next guest specializes in the issues of women and adolescent girls. She’s the mother of two teenagers herself. She’s clinical psychologist and author of Trust Me Mom, Everyone Else is Going, Roni Cohen-Sandler. Hi.
01:22:14 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Hi.
01:22:14 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Thank you for being here. Now they say that it’s a different time today, so do you think that there’s a new set of rules that parents, in particular, mothers, should be following when it comes to handling adolescents and girls?
01:22:26 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
I think so, because you know the world has changed.
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Roni Cohen-Sandler Clinical
psychologist/author
It’s a whole new world out there, you know. When we were growing up we didn’t have HIV infections, we didn’t have people putting drugs in our sodas. You know we didn’t have cell phones and pagers. We didn’t have the internet. All those things. So if mothers try to make enough rules to cover all of those kinds of situations, they couldn’t possibly. Plus, girls wouldn’t want to follow the rules, anyway. So instead I think mothers really have to focus on the mother-daughter relationship and creating the kind of relationship with their daughters that will help them?
01:22:54 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Open and trusting.
01:22:54Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Through these years.
01:22:56 Dr. Laura Berman OC
How about with the moms in the audience, what is it that you’re expecting to find out or hear when you’re kind of sniffing around or?
01:23:04 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Or do you sniff around? Anybody willing to confess?
01:23:08 Yvonne OC
Actually, I try and keep tabs on what’s going on, not so much to snoop, but just try and guide her the right way. So?
01:23:16 Dr. Laura Berman VO
And Cathryn?
01:23:17 Cathryn OC/VO
I think, especially when you have a daughter who’s a little bit precocious for her age, I worry a little more than maybe I need to. And I? I would admit that occasionally I’ve kind of leaned in a little close when she’s on the phone.
01:23:30 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
And what are you expecting to hear?
01:23:33 Cathryn OC
It’s not really that I’m expecting, it’s just that as much as I would try to be close to my daughter, I know that she’ll admit things to her friends that she won’t admit to me and maybe she wishes that she were doing things that she isn’t actually doing. And if she’s wishing it, pretty soon it’s probably going to happen for her, so.
01:23:50 Dr. Laura Berman OC
So you’re trying to get a bead on what? what she’s thinking and what’s going on in her mind. What do you think about that, sort of listening, from listening in on phone calls and conversations?
01:23:59 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Our mom totally listened.
01:24:00 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Our mom picked up the phone in the other room and listened in on the conversation.
01:24:03 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
Completely. Major.
01:24:05 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
In fact, I used to listen to your conversations with your boyfriend. It was so much fun. And sometimes my mom and I would both be sitting there and listening.
01:24:13 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And then like halfway through I could find out and I would get furious, so I know how these girls must feel.
01:24:19 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
Well, you could really understand mothers’ desire to learn things. You know they want to stay in touch with their daughters, and of course, this is the time during adolescence when girls are talking a lot more to their peers than they are to moms. And there is this sort of secrecy that goes on. So I can really empathize with moms wanting to peek in. Now there’s a whole continuum, though, as you say. There’s you know just kind of listening when a daughter is on the phone in the same room or the next room. One can’t help but do that. You can’t close your ears kind of thing.
01:24:44 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Or going out of your way to like?
01:24:46 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Right. Well, that’s it. There are girls who come home from school and they find that their rooms have been rifled through. They can tell that their mothers have gone in their private possessions. They’ve looked in their diaries, which is really I think a mistake, because keeping a diary is so healthy for girls. It’s really a private place. And besides, if you look in the diary and you read things, let’s say the daughter wrote on Tuesday, I hate my mother and all this stuff that she wants to do, if you showed her the diary on Wednesday, she would think, oh, I wrote that about my mother?
01:25:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
So is it okay for mothers to do that? And what does that do to the relationship?
01:25:18 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
Well, if they do it they have violated trust big time with their daughters. And of they want their daughters to feel comfortable coming to them and opening up to them, then they have to earn that trust also. Having said that, you know as a mother myself, if I thought that I had exhausted all other avenues of information, and there are plenty of other avenues of information, if I’d exhausted everything like that and I still wasn’t able to get the information, and if it were really a life and death issue, for example, drug use or your daughter was you know hanging around with people who were really you know much older than herself, were in cars when she’s 13 years old?
01:25:52 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Or if she seems depressed or?
01:25:55 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Right.
01:25:55 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Something serious might be going on.
01:25:57 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
But even then, see, even then, if you thought something serious were going on, the first thing you do is sit down with her and talk to her about your concerns, and see what she had to say about it. Then you’d also talk to her teachers and see how she’s doing in school. If her grades are fine, if she hasn’t changed her friendship group and she seems to be functioning in every other way, you’d be hard pressed to really justify snooping.
01:26:18 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Right.
01:26:18 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
What about talking about sex? Are most parents uncomfortable talking about sex?
01:26:23 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
In my experience, they’re not only uncomfortable, but they’re intimidated. And you know, because, again, things have changed since when we were growing up. There are a lot more STD’s that people don’t know the names of. There’s a lot of terminology. But there are two pieces of advice that I think mothers really benefit from, they really find helpful. One is that you don’t have to know everything. You can say to your daughter when you don’t know something, you can say “I’ll find out,” or “We can find out together and do the research.”
01:26:47 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
But you do need to find out.
01:26:48 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Mothers should talk to the daughters and a talk shouldn’t happen on one occasion, that it should be a continuous discussion?
01:26:54 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Absolutely.
01:26:55 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
That’s constantly discussed. And? and you know also that if they don’t know the answer to just say that you don’t know the answer and to come back to it. That it’s okay not to know everything.
01:27:03 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Absolutely. And it’s also okay to say when you’re not comfortable having the discussion. That really seems to help. That was the second point. If you can say to your daughter, “You know this is really important to me and I want to sit down and talk to you, but I have to admit, it’s just not the most comfortable thing for me,” daughters will appreciate your honesty. Plus, they already know. You know every girl in this room probably knows when her mother’s uncomfortable and they say exactly what?
01:27:25 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
I remember that. And about dating. I mean these girls are a little bit young, but? but soon.
01:27:30 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
Oh, I don’t know.
01:27:32 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Going on group dates even, but when is it okay for a girl to start dating?
01:27:37 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Well, you know, it’s interesting, even girls in middle school now are starting to date. And it depends?
01:27:42 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
I remember car dates. We weren’t allowed, or I wasn’t allowed until I was 16 to go in a car with a boy. We could go in group dates to the movies or with a parent you know from the ninth grade prom.
01:27:53 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
But? but what do you think?
01:27:55 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
I think that it’s really a good idea for moms not to choose an arbitrary age, you know like 16 or 15. And the reason for that is that every girl is different. Just like you talked about the physical development being different, the emotional development is different, also. So for each girl, a mother has to decide whether her daughter is comfortable with boys, has she gone out in group situations, can she speak up, can she assert herself to say I’m not comfortable with this, you know. Does she use good judgment in other situations, you know. Is she using substances, is she home on time. Can she respect a curfew? You know all of those situations. And then if she’s still not sure, I think it’s perfectly appropriate for a mom to say, “You know let’s talk about what this dating situation will be like. And what if this happens, how will you handle it?”
01:28:38 Dr. Laura Berman VO
So you troubleshoot with them.
01:28:40 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Exactly.
01:28:40 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Yeah. You just have to be careful, because most? most girls will let you get away with it only so long, but they want a time. They want to know that when they’re 16?
01:28:47 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
When.
01:28:48 Dr. Laura Berman VO
So you have? I just think it’s just more of that constant conversation and?
01:28:51 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
Exactly.
01:28:51 Dr. Laura Berman OC
And feeling them out, but.
01:28:53 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
And you can give them cues. You can say to them, “I’m going to be able to feel comfortable when I see you’ve demonstrated these skills to me.” So that they know what they’re working toward.
01:29:02 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Right. It’s good advice, Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler, please stay with us. When we come back, we have more advice for moms of teen girls.
01:29:17 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
75% of teenage mothers cited lack of communication between a girl and her parents as the reason for the pregnancy – the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy Berman & Berman
01:29:25 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:29:26 FADE TO BLACK
01:20:58 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:30:06 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
We’re back discussing puberty and adolescence with Roni Cohen-Sandler.
01:30:11 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
We’ve been listening in on what teen girls are?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Drs. Jennifer & Laura Berman
Really thinking about. Now let’s hear what they’re saying about boys and body image.
01:30:18 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Boys’ expectations
01:30:20 Girl with Streaked Hair VO/OC
Boys’ expectations really? it really depends on the guy. Some guys aren’t worried about like looks and appearance. And… but some guys, they are completely based on like “Oh, you know she has blond hair,” stuff like that, and if a guy is gonna like me for what I look like then he’s just not worth it.
01:30:41 Katie OC/VO
I think if I was gonna have a relationship with a guy they would have to be friends with me first so that they know me before they decide that they want to jump into something with me, because if they don’t then I don’t know why they’re getting into a relationship with me. They could be like, “Oh, she has brown eyes and long eyelashes, so I’m gonna go date her, but if she has blond hair and blue eyes, I’m gonna dump her for her.” It’s like too complicated. You have to know me and like me for who I am and then my looks are a perk.
01:31:09 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
It’s not a big deal
01:31:13 Girl with Streaked Hair VO/OC
Clothes are just about expressing yourself and being comfortable. And I think parents don’t understand, like wearing a spaghetti strap with like maybe your bra strap showing. Parents just, they? my mom?
01:31:25 Katie VO
They flip out about it.
01:31:26 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
They flip out about it. And it’s like I don’t?
01:31:29 Katie VO
It’s? it’s not that big a deal.
01:31:29 Girl with Streaked Hair OC
Know why it’s that big a deal. It’s just a bra strap, you know.
01:31:33 Katie VO
Yeah.
01:31:34 Girl with Streaked Hair OC/VO
And that goes back to the whole they’re a different generation. They don’t really know where we’re coming from, because they were raised a certain way. Like my mom won’t let me get any piercings at all, and I find that sort of ridiculous, because I don’t understand why you won’t let me get maybe my ear pierced and my belly button. I mean what’s the big deal? If I want it, why does it matter? It’s not like I want, you know to get my something kind of uncomfortable pierced, you know, which I do happen to have permission to do. I can get my nipples pierced, but I can’t get my ear pierced.
01:32:10 Katie VO/OC
Because you won’t do it.
01:32:10 Girl with Streaked Hair VO
Yeah.
01:32:12 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
“Model” image
01:32:15 Girl with Streaked Hair VO/OC
Models in magazines, also known as stick figure people. I don’t? I find people that are that thick kind of gross.
01:32:24 Katie VO/OC
Yeah, because you have to be 5’9 and weigh two pounds and be able to fit in a size negative two.
01:32:29 Girl with Streaked Hair VO
It’s? it’s ridiculous.
01:32:30 Katie OC
Normal people aren’t like that.
01:32:31 Girl with Streaked Hair VO
You know like junior 12.
01:32:32 Katie OC/VO
And the other thing is? the other thing is the clothes designers. They make ridiculous clothes. There are a lot of girls that want to be models and want to be those fashion people. I think our generation has a lot of power, because you know eventually the models that they have now, the stick figures that they have now are gonna get old, and they don’t like old models. They like young things. Well, if our generation says I’m not gonna lose 50 pounds and look emaciated so I can fit in your clothes, we have the power to do that.
01:32:58 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Teen talk
01:33:03 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
The nipple piercing.
01:33:04 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
Right. Or you go, my looks are a perk. Do you think it’s true that moms, or parents don’t really know where their daughters are coming from? Don’t really.
01:33:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
I’m surprised.
01:33:14 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
Well, I? I think to a certain extent that’s true, because we can’t even imagine you know, some of these things. I think we have to listen very, very carefully to them and not assume that we know what they’re going to say or that we know everything about being a teenage girl today, because we really don’t.
01:33:28 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
They probably know a lot more than we think that they know.
01:33:30 Dr. Laura Berman OC
They always know a lot more than we think they know.
01:33:31 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
I think that’s true, also. I mean some things are universal. They’ve been going on for generations and generations, and teenage girls forget that. But? but they’re also?
01:33:39 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Piercings, for instance, have not been going on for? other than your ears.
01:33:41 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
That’s right.
01:33:42 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Even in my generation, piercings weren’t? I mean young girls weren’t doing that.
01:33:45 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
And sixth-graders in my sixth grade class dressed very differently than sixth-graders today. I mean there’s just a lot of different expectations. You’re right.
01:33:54 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Absolutely.
01:33:55 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
When it comes to boys’ expectations, these girls seem pretty self-assured, which is really good to hear. Is that typical, do you think? Do you think they really don’t care what the boys think?
01:34:05 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
Well, as I was? I know. As I was listening to that tape I was thinking to myself “I fervently wish that that were true,” but in my experience the girls tell me quite a different story. You know if they’re
walking down the hall of school and they see a boy that they like or have a crush on, they’re not thinking, “Oh, I hope he thinks that I have a good sense of humor or that I’m smart in bio.”
01:34:24 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Well, they want to be noticed.
01:34:25 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Right. They’re thinking, “I hope he thinks I’m hot.”
01:34:27 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Right.
01:34:28 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Yeah. Katie.
01:34:28 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Well, Katie, you were saying that about the looks being a perk. What do you think?
01:34:32 Katie VO/OC
I think my looks are a perk. I’m not interested in? in having anything other than an acquaintance with a person if they’re not interested in who I am as a person. If they’re so shallow that they’re only interested in how I look so their friends think something else, then I’m not interested in that. There are people who are interested in that, they can go date them, but I’m not one of them.
01:34:51 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Yeah, which is good. And obviously you’ve reared her with excellent self-esteem.
01:34:57 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
You should be proud. I was just talking with a class of fifth-graders the other day who? you know I was asking them to ask whatever questions they had. And one of them raised their hand and said, “Why is it that the boys only give attention to the girls who have boobs and or have blond hair and blue eyes? And why is that?” And so I think you know it is something that? that on the one hand, the self-assured girls are saying, well, forget them. But on the other hand there are many girls who A, aren’t that self-assured, and B, even those who are self-assured are aware that this is going on and it’s got to have some sort of impact.
01:35:32 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Absolutely. They’re always comparing themselves to the girls that they think have it all. You know the girls who are cooler, more precocious or who look a certain way. And what’s very interesting?
01:35:40 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And with the media images they talked about.
01:35:42 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Oh my gosh, absolutely.
01:35:43 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
It gives them unrealistic?
01:35:44 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Absolutely. But it’s interesting to me when I get those girls in my office and they say the very same things. You know the girls who are envious of them, they come in and say, “Oh, I wish I were like so and so.”
01:35:53 Dr. Laura Berman VO
They always want to be like someone else.
01:35:54 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Exactly.
01:35:55 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
And what about when they do something wrong and they do break your trust?
01:35:59 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Discipline, I believe, should be fitting the crime. You should do the least amount possible so that your daughter gets the message that she made a mistake, she used bad judgment, and you teach her not to repeat the mistake.
01:36:09 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
How do you teach, restriction? Are you in favor of grounding and restriction?
01:36:13 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
It depends on the crime. You know, if your daughter was, let’s say, late for curfew. Then she has to have an earlier curfew until she can demonstrate that she can do that. You know if your daughter went somewhere she wasn’t supposed to, then maybe she needs to stay home until she can demonstrate that she’ll only go where she’s supposed to be. So you just make it fit the crime.
01:36:29 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
You talk about the 20-second rule. What is that?
01:36:32 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC/VO
Well, the 20-second rule is actually a rule about communication. And that just means you shouldn’t lecture your daughter to death and get that glazed look in her eye. You should say what you have to say in 20 seconds or less.
01:36:42 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Okay. When I’m angry, 20 seconds seems mighty short.
01:36:45 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
You know what? If you actually time it, it’s a lot longer than you think. You can get a lot in in 20 seconds. When my daughter was, you know during those years, she used to say, I would say to her, “There’s something I have to say to you.” And she’d say, “Okay, I’ll set my watch.” And? and she would keep me to the 20 seconds. And you know what, the good thing about that is that your daughter knows that you’re not gonna inundate her and she’s not gonna get totally upset and intimidated. Deep down, girls don’t want to hear everything they did wrong. And so if you can limit it like that and if they know you’re gonna limit it like that, then they’re not so afraid and they’re more apt to really listen to you.
01:37:16 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
I remember you getting grounded a lot.
01:37:19 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Constantly grounded.
01:37:20 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Constantly grounded.
01:37:20 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
I was constantly grounded my whole tenth grade.
01:37:21 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
But the crazy thing is that if there was a really good party that she couldn’t miss or if a boy that she had a huge crush on asked her out, then my mother would? would cave in on the grounding.
01:37:34 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Would she? I don’t remember her caving in.
01:37:36 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
Yeah, she caved in a lot.
01:37:37 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Yeah, or dad must not have been around.
01:37:40 Dr. Laura Berman OC
No. No.
01:37:40 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
I remember sneaking out on restriction and then getting double restriction.
01:37:45 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
One time she was on restriction and she had to baby-sit me and she snuck out and took me with her. I got to go on a date with her.
01:37:50 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Yeah, she was like 11.
01:37:50 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
Oh, my gosh.
01:37:53 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
I was nine actually. I was younger than these guys and she took me out on a date with her. That’s why I am where I am today.
01:38:01 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
Early education.
01:38:03 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
So thank you so much for being with us. Puberty and adolescence, we could go on forever. Clinical psychologist and author of Trust Me Mom, Everybody Else is Going, Roni Cohen-Sandler. Stay with us.
01:38:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And hear what moms and teens in our studio audience have to say coming up next.
01:38:24 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
1/3rd of girls have had sex by the age of 16 – the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy Berman & Berman
01:38:32 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman For Women Only
01:38:33 FADE TO BLACK
01:39:04 GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Berman & Berman
01:39:10 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Our focus is puberty and adolescence. Obviously, this is?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
Drs. Jennifer & Laura Berman
a topic that everyone here can relate to.
01:39:16 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
Roni Cohen-Sandler is still with us in the audience, so let’s get right to your questions.
01:39:21 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Who has a question?
01:39:21 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Who has questions?
01:39:23 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
How about here? Yvonne.
01:39:24 Yvonne OC
Yes. I’d like to ask about younger girls dating older men.
01:38:28 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Right. That’s a tough question. What do you think?
01:39:31 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Well, it’s not a great idea, because it’s putting girls in a position that they really can’t handle. For example, a 16-year old girl wanting to date a 19-year old boy. The 19-year old boy has a lot more power in the situation.
01:39:43 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And a lot more on his mind, too.
01:39:44 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Exactly. And we know exactly what that is. And the research shows that girls are more likely not only to have early sexual activity, but unwanted sexual activity at that age.
01:39:53 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
In fact, there was a study done asking grown women about their first sexual experiences. And the large majority of them said that it wasn’t forced, but it wasn’t exactly wanted, either. And I think that that’s a large part of it.
01:40:07 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
They say it’s a three-year difference.
01:40:09 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
Exactly.
01:40:09 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
Anything more, three years or greater we should avoid.
01:40:13 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Right.
01:40:14 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Any other questions?
01:40:17 Dr. Laura Berman OC
How about right there?
01:40:17 Margie VO/OC
I’m curious. We didn’t have cell phones when I was a teenager, but everybody has them now. And how do you feel, and mothers, about teenagers having cell phones?
01:40:27 Dr. Laura Berman VO
What’s your name?
01:40:28 Margie OC
Oh, I’m sorry. Margie.
01:40:30 Dr. Laura Berman VO
Margie.
01:40:30 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
I love the idea, because you know you can always get in touch with your child and they can always get in touch with you. But you run the risk of abuse.
01:40:37 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
And I’m laughing about it, because she loves cell phones. She calls my cell phone about 20 times a day. I can just imagine what you’re gonna do to your kids.
01:40:44 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Yeah.
01:40:44 Dr. Laura Berman OC
Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?
01:40:48 Margie VO
In an emergency, it’s good.
01:40:49 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Yeah, an emergency I could see. I would think that to have a cell phone, I mean I could see how the privilege might be abused, they’d be yakking to their friends, but now the rates are so great, to have the access to that if you get stranded somewhere or you’re in a dangerous situation or something horrible happens, to be able to have that umbilical cord to home.
01:41:07 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
What is your concern?
01:41:09 Margie VO/OC
Oh, well, I know that younger and younger people are getting them and the phone bills can run up quite high.
01:41:17 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
I think you also have to ask what the age of the girl is. When younger girls get it they really don’t have the skills to be mature enough to handle it.
01:41:25 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO
Or the self-control.
01:41:26 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO
The self-control, that’s one of the skills. And you know the mothers lose control completely, because they don’t know who’s calling the house anymore. You know. When someone’s?
01:41:33 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Oh, that’s true.
01:41:33 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Calling the home phone you know what’s going on. And then, also, if your daughter’s too tired to get up in the morning, it’s because she’s on the phone all night. You don’t really realize it’s happening.
01:41:42 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Any other questions? Yes.
01:41:44 Paula VO/OC
What is the appropriate age for girls to start receiving phone calls from boys?
01:41:48 Dr. Laura Berman VO
And what’s your name?
01:41:49 Paula OC
Paula.
01:41:50 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
What’s the appropriate age?
01:41:51 Dr. Laura Berman OC
You know I get? parents will tell me, it’s mostly about their boys, actually, they’ll tell
me that their 11-year old boys are getting called at home by girls all the time. That the girls are getting together and calling the boys.
01:42:03 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
I can speak to that, because I thought that you know treating so many teenage girls in my practice and having a teenage girl of my own that I knew all there was to know, until I had a teenage boy. And then I learned a whole other side of girls that I never would have known before. And it really started about ten or 11, and some of the girls would call eight or ten times a day and at ungodly hours and wouldn’t take no for an answer. You know, even when I said, please do not call back, and I would hang up, the phone would ring again at midnight. I mean they just wouldn’t take no for an answer.
01:42:32 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
So what do you think? What is the right age? Is there a right age when girls should start receiving?
01:42:37 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC/VO
I mean that’s like desperation already at age 11.
01:42:40 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Yes.
01:42:41 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
<inaudible> they’re all together having a sleep-over. There’s a boy that they have a crush on and they’re calling and giggling on the phone.
01:42:47 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Girls egging each other on and stuff like that.
01:42:48 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
They’re not like fatal attraction, I want you. I don’t care what your mother says.
01:42:55 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
I think you have to be? I think you have to be careful, though, about setting a particular age, because if your daughter is in third grade and she’s paired with a boy to do a project in school and he’s calling, you know, no biggie. So I think you really have to decide whether this is something more romantic or something that she just can’t handle.
01:43:10 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
Thank you. We’ve got time for one more question. Anybody else? Yes.
01:43:15 Debbie OC
How do you explain? Debbie. How do you explain to your daughter about self-stimulation? When I was young, you know when your hormones and your body’s changing and all these feelings come over.
01:43:26 Dr. Laura Berman VO/OC
Right. Well, self-stimulation is a great tool for many reasons. One, you learn about your own body, where things are, what feels good, so that later in life you can communicate that to a partner. And also, it’s a great release. And when you have this surge of hormones and you’re having all these sexual thoughts and fantasies, it can actually prevent unwise sexual decision-making with other partners if you’re using self-stimulation. I tell parents as soon as they start talking about sexual anatomy, when I teach fifth-graders about sexual anatomy, you know when we were talking earlier with Dr. Masterson, and you talk about the clitoris, you say, “This is a very? there’s a lot of nerve endings. It’s a very pleasurable place to be touched. Some people touch themselves there and it feels good.” Children are touching themselves, just exploring themselves, from the age as soon as they can see to their? you know past their bellies to their feet. And? and they realize it feels good and they keep doing it. So not making it a stigma, not slapping their hand away when they’re young children, teaching them that this is okay, it feels good and it’s something you can do in private, not in the living room when company’s over, you know when they’re very young. And then as they get older, just letting them know, they’ll cringe, they’ll be embarrassed, they’ll say “mom” and like run out of the room. But at least if you say, you know, this is something that’s okay to do and it may feel good and it may help you with some of the feelings that you’re having right now. Would you say that that’s true?
01:44:46 Roni Cohen-Sandler VO/OC
Absolutely. And I thought you gave some very, very good reasons why it’s a very adaptive kind of tool for adolescent girls.
01:44:52 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
And it also gives girls the feeling of control over their bodies.
01:44:56 Roni Cohen-Sandler OC
Absolutely.
01:44:57 Dr. Jennifer Berman VO/OC
So these were great topics that we covered today. I think I’ve really enjoyed it and it was fun to kind of go back?
01:45:04 Dr. Laura Berman OC
And revisit.
01:45:04 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
In time, revisit that stressful, but really?
01:45:08 Dr. Laura Berman OC
I was telling some of the audience during our commercial break, I used to even? you know I think I had an advantage as the younger sister, because you went through adolescence, you broke-in mom and dad?
01:45:17 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Totally.
01:45:18 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
And? and I also learned something. I would sneak and watch her say goodnight to her boyfriends, like in peek around the corner. You know I learned a lot just from sort of watching you go through it.
01:45:29 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
Great.
01:45:29 Dr. Laura Berman OC/VO
So? she’s like great. Yeah, you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen. But I think it’s important. It’s important not only for? I mean we’re talking about girls and mothers, but you know for fathers to play as much of a role as they can as well. We don’t want to leave them out. And also to remember that I think the most key element is keeping those lines of communication open from birth to let your children know that there’s no question they can’t ask, that there’s no time that you won’t love them, that there’s no time that you won’t be there for them. And fostering their self-esteem, feeling good about themselves and their bodies, you know I think that that’s all going to be really important. So thank you so much, Dr. Cohen-Sandler for being here, and thank you to all of you for joining us on Berman and Berman For Women Only.
01:46:15 Dr. Jennifer Berman OC
If you’d like to learn more about the topics we cover on Berman and Berman or be a guest in our studio audience, visit us?
GRAPHICS ON SCREEN
For more information visit
www.discovery.com/health
At Discovery.com slash health. Thanks.
01:46:30 CREDITS
Executive Producers Robb Weller Gary H. Grossman
Executive Producer Steve Lange
Senior Producer Monique Chenault
Directed By Charlie Ryan
Co-Hosts Drs. Jennifer & Laura Berman
Consultants Drs. Jenifer & Laura Berman
Show Producers Sarah Adler Debra
Carroll Lisa Wainwright Mario Yates
Associate Producers lanthe Jones Lauren Y. Walker
Field Producers Pauline Canny Natalie Jason
Audience Producers Annette Grundy Shana Kemp
Production Associates John Davis Aaron Goldstein
Associate Director Kent Weishaus
Technical Director Chuck Abate
Stage Manager Ian Schlientz
Production Supervisor Michelle Bird
Post Production Supervisor Shawn Sanbar
Post Production Coordinators Andy DiMino Andrew Miller
Additional Graphics Michael Auerbach
Production Coordinators Stephanie Rose Chris Dixon
Post Production Producers Dennid Herzig Carol Morton
Post Production AD Gary H. Grossman Howard Lamden
Editors Dave Cannon Ryan Ely Shari Hammerman Keith Kurlander Art Luciani
Assistant Editors Sam Jones Errin Vasquez
Director of Development Debbie Supnik
Director of Business Affairs Heather Vincent
Director of Finance Andrea Thomas
Line Producer Steve Markowitz
Media Clearance Supervisor Steve Sabelico
Clearance Associate Bryan Shukoff
Weller/Grossman Archivist Shelia Garrison
Assistants to the Executive Producers Nancy Barney Kelly Moreland
Production Accountant Rosanne Jurich
Production Designed By Production Design
Group A Jack Morton Company
Lighting Designer Jeff Calderon
Camera Operators Craig Camou Kathrine Iacofano Harriet Yuhl
Jib Operator Keith Dicker
Make-Up Karen Knapp
Hair Guy
Wardrobe Julie Kozak
Interns Jess Santucci Robin Veltri
Special Thanks O.B. Tampons
CosmoGIRL! Magazine H2O Plus Spheres Magazine
Wardrobe Provided By Max Studio
Jewelry Provided By Liz Palacios
Shoes Provided By Stuart Weitzman
Music Provided By Bos Music Inc.
For Weller/Grossman productions
Executive in Charge of production David Shikiar
For Discovery Health
Executive in Charge of Production Bob Reid
Vice President of Production Donald H. Thoms
Executive Producer Mark Poertner
Production Management Betsy LeDonne
Business Affairs Jennifer Williams
Legal Counsel Laura Farina
Production Assistant Jai Mitchell
Produced By Weller/Grossman Productions
for DHC Ventures, L.L.C.
Discovery Health Channel
© MMII DHC Ventures, L.L.C.
01:47:00 FADE TO BLACK
